


Only here for help

by Stephenthevampire



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Connor is not very soft, Evan Hansen Has Anxiety, Evan Hansen has a stutter, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Theatre, connor is a good actor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21748732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stephenthevampire/pseuds/Stephenthevampire
Summary: Evan Hansen was told by his therapist to join thaetre at school, he does and then it all starts going down hill.....Or up hill?
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started my first year of thaetre sooooo I wanted to make a fic based on it

I stood in front of the intimidating door that lead to the room of seats and stages and lights. Everything was intimidating to me but this especially, theatre was intimidating in every way for everyone no matter who you were. People have always had different ways of expressing that stress. Some do better with that weight on their backs while others, like myself will start crying on the stage and ruin the whole show.

Being on stage has been a small dream of mine, not acting! No no no i would die like i said earlier. I'd rather help backstage: you feel accomplished because you did something but not overworked and breaking down anytime you recite your lines. 

So now here I am ready to join drama club, well sort of ready, and help out in the upcoming play called ‘Harvey’. I push open the gigantic door separating me and the theatre and enter.

The room was a lot bigger than expected and there was a lot less people than expected. What I did expect was a room filled to the brim with people in a small room with about 100 chairs but I underestimated our broke school, this place was huge and beautiful. 

I took to long looking at the soft chairs and black shiny lights hanging from the ceiling that I didn't notice a small brunettes presence near me. I jumped when I noticed him making my shoulders tense. He was staring at his phone and glanced up at me, I at that moment I realized I was staring and scolded myself to stop. Which worked; kinda. 

“Are you mental or something? You keep glancing at me.” The boys voice was salty and stringy. Not in an annoying way but slightly pitched, like he hadn’t gone through puberty yet. He rolled his eyes under his glasses as he spoke. I wasn’t sure how to respond, even if he was small he was still terrifying. 

I tried speaking but it came out jumbled and possibly incoherent, “i- um -I’m e-Evan- well I- sorry i- uh didn’t answer-your question. N-no I’m uh no.” Sweat dropped down my face, shit this was awful my first drama club meeting and I’m already on the verge of breaking down. Oh god I ruined everything, “cool.” Was all he said, he walked up to someone holding a computer with a group circling what appeared to be a hazel haired man. Cool? Was all I could think, his response was so weird, I thought he was going to point out my stuttering or awful eye contact or sweaty hands. But all he said was cool?

I guess miracles can happen. Wait- is this a miracle?

After this encounter a woman with long hair, two strands braided and pulled back, stood upon the stage holding a flaccid piece of paper. It blew and bent in the wind as she moved her arms around. “Welcome to drama club! Everyone sign in to your respected computer around the room. If you’re new come over the stage and I’ll enter you into our system…” she said a little more after that but I was busy repeating her directions for newbies over and over to actually listen. 

I took a breath and gripped my backpack strips for dear life as my shoes hit the carpet and made my way to the front of the room. I could just feel people eye burn into me, which made my sweat boil, and I tried not to think about it; which kinda worked (heavy emphasis on kinda). 

The stage was big and covered with a layer of dust and grime which a few seniors on stage kept picking up with their shoes. From here it was difficult to look up without blinding yourself. 

The girl on the stage saw me first and pointed, “What’s your name son?” I was close to a response when at least 7 people sitting in the audience shouting ‘Alexander Hamilton’. Did I do something wrong? Was that supposed to be a reference that I was supposed to answer like those in the audience? Oh god I fucked up again. I felt my anxiety rising. “Haha yeah!” She looked back at me as I played with my shirt hem. “But for real,” she sat down, legs crossed. “What’s your name? I know everyone in this club except you so I assumed you’re new.” My anxiety fell and I felt better. Then I realized I had to speak, I know I was going to mess up again. I breathed and spoke, “m-my name, I-is um e-van h- um Hansen.” 

“Oh I know you, you’re in my first period math.” She wrote something on the computer on her lap and gave me a thumbs up, like and idiot I retaliated and walked to a seat in the sea of grey chairs. My spot was far back but somewhat close to the rest of the students. The chair was just as plush and comfortable as it looked. 

To pass the time I pulled out a book and started to read, the book was getting really good. Then something uncalled for happened.

The metal doors securing the theatre for the hall outside was blasted open creating a bone rattling sound that startled me extremely. I was hyperventilating, my mind went to all the bad scenarios like a school shooter or a cop. My Brain just understood; loud noise equals very bad thing. 

I looked behind the seat I was in, my breathing still heavy, and saw a guy in a black hoodie with long raven hair and countless accessories on his body; even a piercing on his nose and lip. 

The girl on stage crossed her arms and exaggerated her face. Brows twisted and nose scrunched up. Almost like a bad stench entered her nose.

“Oh look who decided to show up, making a grand entrance as always Connor?” The girl spoke, I looked around and noticed no one was looking at him but me, was this a normal occurrence? I couldn’t peel my eyes off him, something about this raven made my heart skip. 

“Oh, suck Your boyfriends dick Zoe.” The response was extremely snarky which lead me to believe he was her brother, or best friend but I went with my brother assumption, also their similarities in look. I’m not sure why but I couldn't stop looking at him. I felt bad and knew I looked creepy so I tried to stop. But then zoned out staring At him and forgot. 

He got closer towards the stage walking down the aisle, I pulled my head back and acted like I hadn’t just spent 6 minutes memorizing his body. He seemed to notice due to him walking past the seat I was in and punching my shoulder. I winced and felt my eyes welled up. But I held in the tears. 

A long sigh came from the girl on stage, who the boy called Zoe. “for once in you life can you not punch anyone who looks at you?” He ignored her comment and sat in the front, presumably his specific spot, People sat on the edges but no were else, keeping distance from the male who sat in the center. It was truly interesting how everyone knew exactly what they were supposed to when this young man entered the room.

A few moments later Of Zoe doing speeches (I got clarification during one of them) the meeting was over. The speeches were about different acting roles and tips about what to do if you don’t get in. She moved in to crew and talked about their roles. Then ended with a brief explanation of the play we were doing.

I texted my mother to come get me and stood up. I scanned the room, they were caught by the boy from earlier who said cool and probably hated me. I walked over and stood next to him thinking about what I should say. “Um h-hello, I-I uh I tal-lked to you e-earlier I wanted to kno-ow um what your name is?” Not bad, I thought. Sure it was shaky but I got at least a sentence of 4 words in without a stutter. His face morphed and he glanced up at me “Jared.” He spoke, it was almost monotone, they way he said it. “I uh -you c-come here often?” 

“Was that a pick up line?” Oh shit, I made a small noise and started to sputter out breaths and letters. Nothing made since. I wasn’t trying to pick him up! I’m not gay! I don’t think.. but I wasn’t trying to hook up! The brunette walked away before I could respond, god my face was hot. Everything was agony and i just wanted to go home, I grabbed my stuff and walked out looked back at the stage. Not paying any attention to where I was headed.

I assumed I knew were everything was and could glide out but I forgot the idea of foreign objects.

Ramming straight into the raven teen I feel back and on the ground. It made a loud noise, something like two binders hitting but they were covered in cloth. “Ah o-oh g-od I um I-m s-sorry imsorryimsoryyimsorry!” I pleaded hoping he would understand, based on everyone’s reaction around me I assumed this outcome would be very bad.

He turned around, a sneer on his face. Before I could comprehend what the hell was happening my back aches as I bounced against the floor. He pushed me, I sit up and I can feel my bones quiver in fear as he stares me down, “I don’t know what the fuck I did to you but stay out of my way! Ever since you joined this club you’ve been mocking me!” I tried to shrink back as he yelled but there was nowhere to go. He turned on his heels and swayed off, his knuckles turning white cotton, gripping the backpack strap. 

I stood up and slowly looked around, everyone was looking at. I felt my heart sink and tears welled up in my eyes. The brunette i met earlier was giggling but not hard enough to make noise. All I did was turn and walk out, my tail between my legs. 

Walking into the boys bathroom near the theatre tears streamed down my face, choked sobs coming out of my mouth as air began to build up and shoot out at a fast rate. I quickly made my way towards a stall and slammed the door. Holding it with my back. Thoughts started clouding my mind; you ruined everything, they all hate you, the boy would be nicer if you weren't such a creep. The bathroom radiated my noises as the only sound in there. It was annoying loud, and the bathroom was too small.

There was a noise, which silenced me immediately, it was the sound of a knuckle hitting the door. Not to harsh, just loud enough for me to hear. 

“Hey, is Evan Hansen in here.”

It was a girl, i could easily tell it was her voice was so fluffy and not as bitter as a males voice. With further inspection I realized it was zoe, the host of the meeting just attended and ruined. 

“Y-yeah...i-im r-really s-s-orry about t-hat.” it was difficult to get through my words, choking on every letter. I heard her sigh against the door, god im just ruining everything huh? She's just gonna leave because I know she's mad at me 

“Listen evan you don't have to apologize, I should be apologizing. I'm sorry for my brothers action. He's a real handful, trust me when I say he didn't mean.” she explained, my breathing was still heavy and I keep choking but strangely I felt calm listening to her. 

We talked for a bit, everything started to seem peaceful again. At this moment I finally got air through my lungs and my small panic was dissapting. I walked out of the stall and thanked her, but in an awkward way that I regretted later and knew I could have worded better and fretted over for the next 5 hours. “It’s no big deal, I’m always fixing his mistakes.” I completely forgot who he was, all of this talk made me forget about this embarrassing day but one she said that it all came flooding back. “w-ell I mean c-onnors got his own stuff to deal with. Y-you can’t b-blame his actions solely on him.” 

Not sure why I said this, I just knew it was the stuff adults and especially teachers wanted to hear. So I thought she would want to hear that. Zoe seemed like the type of person who’s very smart and philosophical like that. but part of me knows I said it because I want people to think that and not be so harsh on others. “Eh, You’ve got a point Hansen.” Did I just receive a compliment? “Anyway I’ll see you around, hopefully at next week's meeting.” She grabbed her bag and turned towards the bathroom opening to the white hall.

It grew panically quiet, like something was wrong. But I knew for a fact that everything was fine. I grabbed my bag and shook that feeling, and wiped down my face before heading out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the next club meeting and Evan is nervous around Connor. But the raven apologizes which has the boy stunned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the huge gap : /  
> Schools been a dick

The next meeting came quick and I was blasted with sudden confidence, which I knew was never good, I walked through the threshold and went over to the senior computer. The computers are where students take roll, it’s easier than going through the big list and getting people where they need to be faster. 

As I walked down I noticed Connor in the usual front chair, I stared at his locks for a moment. It felt weird but I just wanted to run my hands through it. Guess he felt my eyes on him since he turned and shot a glare at me, eyes scrunching together and lip moving up a bit into an unpleasant face shape. My eyes avoided his and I went to sit down.

Now you are probably wondering, why did I come back? Well My therapist says the theatre and creative arts will help delude my anxiety disorder and also that it will help me make friends, guess he wasn’t completely off the wall, I had Zoe now. I said I’ve always wanted to join theatre and that’s true but after that embracing run in with Murphy I would have straight up quit. After I told my mom she said to suck it up. I know she wasn’t being mean but I felt like crying when she said that, I felt my face get hot and eyes well up. Nonetheless I was here again. Sitting down and waiting for instructions. 

Zoe was in front of me and I wondered silently why she wasn’t on stage, “Hello everybody!” Oh I thought that’s why. A woman in a blue dress stood on the stage. Zoe isn’t the leader of the club, I knew that already, the leader is a teacher and this specific teacher was the theatre teacher (obviously). Our school has teacher leaders for clubs so we don’t do anything stupid being unsupervised Children. You can’t start one without one. That’s the rule. “Now I dearly apologize for not being here last meeting, I safely assume Zoe set everything well while I was away?” I gave a polite node to her question, which wasn’t necessary but I felt was deserved. 

She went on for a while, stuff I don’t remember, mainly rules that I already knew. I learned up when she mentioned auditions, “acting auditions will be exactly next month and crew auditions will be one day after that, up heere on the stage are the papers applications. Now we shall play a small game, have a tour and conclude our meeting.” 

The meeting went exactly how the lady in blue, who’s name is Mrs. Fleming, said it would. We played a game of something called ‘vampire’, Zoe explained the rules and said that it wasn’t mandatory to play, which I took delightfully. I sat quietly watching the raven who was surprisingly playing along, I expected him to be sitting alone with a face of ‘touch me and I kill you’ but no; he was up there smirking and shaking peoples hands. most people avoided him but retaliated.

Though these games are unfamiliar to me I remember playing games like this when I was 6. Weather out with the neighbors or at the tight-knit preschool I loved these games, as a child I’m sure everyone did. Once middle school hits your lose that love of all things stupid and cheerful, then it gets worse because you lose friends, and cliques are a thing and hormones and all that jazz of middle school. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t in my middle school plays, I sure as hell was in the elementary school plays; we did lion king and wizard of oz. God did I enjoy singing hakuna ma tata. Musical theatre is actually something I enjoy but many fears like to pin me to the ground, and then I can't do what I want. 

Fears are like voids. Even though they make you human they suck you in and don’t let go until you end it all or find medicine.

After what felt like 2 hours of playing preschool like games, the tour started. There are at least 20 kids in the club so the tour was crowded and excruciatingly awkward; Well at least for me. A lot of students paired up and geeked out at the cool backstage sets and dressing rooms while others just chatted with friends. Meanwhile I lagged behind the group focusing on other things besides my crippling loneliness. 

“Hey Hansen,” I came to a halt to see a motionless Connor standing there. Oh shit. God I know I’m in big trouble due to yesterday’s brawl, maybe he saw me looking at him during the vampire game. I close my eyes. I brace myself for whatever he’s gonna do next. “Hey you okay?” My eyes snap open and I see him standing there, the rest of the moving group in the foreground. “I uh- y-yeah?” It comes out more like a question then a response, “well hurry the fuck up I need to talk to you.” My palms sweat with fear and anticipation, wondering what he has to say. 

I’m walking next to him, just a few blocks behind the rest of the group, were just standing there no words being exchanged until Connor finally speaks up. “Sorry.. about yesterday I didn’t mean to hurt you...I-..” wow well that was unexpected, this whole time I braced myself for a scolding or a beating. But this sounded sincere. “Oh-“ was all I could muster, I was sweating profusely and I couldn’t stop. Being in his presence made me feel flustered and warm but also scared. Realizing how rude just and ‘oh’ sounded I chirped up. “Oh! W-well it’s okay ha, n-no hard feeling I’m sure I-it was an a-ccident. Ya know, uhh school is stressful and maybe you just w-here having a Bad day and I totally understand how that feels you just wanna be- left alone so I guess I didn’t help with that by bumping into you...sorry I’m blabbering I- I’ll stop. Sorry.” He looked at me with a stone face and turned to face the backs of other theatre kids. I should have kept my mouth shut huh? From then on I refrained from small talk and just walked in the cold silence. 

The tour came to a conclusion on the stage, me and Connor still lingering in the backdrop. The teacher, mrs. Fleming, sent us on our way out. I picked up my bag and played with the lose strap, Connor tapped my shoulder and waved. I’m not sure what terms where on? Are we friends? Are we enemies? 

“So this Connor, you speak of, he pushed you and now your friends?”  
“Well not exactly, h-he got mad at me for staring at him so he shoved me to the ground. The next day on a tour around school h-he apologized b-but after I went on a long tangent, like I always mess shit up, he stopped talking and went blank.” 

My therapists room is too quiet, I can hear myself breathe and sometimes I can hear my heart quiver as I speak to the man. He’s not very wordy, he’s old, and I still don’t understand the fossil even after being with him for a year. I’ve just recently started getting comfortable on long talks with him. He says his job is to listen and that it’s okay to go all out with my feelings. 

Sometimes it’s like I’m talking to a wall, though. He looks at his new gold watch- an item he never really wore till recently so I assume it’s a newly purchased or maybe he bought it years ago and only just now started wearing it- and looks at me while taking off his rimmed glasses. “Sadly our time has run out,” my time with him always feels like a cliffhanger; he ends the session in weird places with no courtly addresses conclusion.

I pray that next club meeting I can get a clear sense of where I am on Connor’s friendship spectrum. I don’t know why it is so important to me, maybe because it would be nice change to have a friend for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remind that I still take requests!  
> Here’s my discord: bigplateoflasagna#0248

**Author's Note:**

> Requests are open!   
> Send me them on discord  
> Bigplateoflasagna#0248


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